Casual Dating
Dating to Marry
“Low Pressure Dating”
What do all of these even mean?
I saw this post recently:
I agree. Relationships are deeper than a joke, and they should be purposeful. However, everyone’s purpose is different, and we’re all entitled to our own beliefs and opinions.
That being said, I think that this author shares similar beliefs and purpose with me. My purpose is to identify my potential future partner. For this reason, I would prefer to be courted than to endure the dating process.
The thing is, we are no longer in the days of romanticism and being courted by our only option. There are several reasons for this. Also, my stating that the days of that romanticism of courting have passed does not mean that I believe romance is gone. In fact, it is alive and well, and necessary. More on that below.
Let’s start with definitions. These aren’t Miriam-Webster. These are “How Z’s brain associates these words”:
Dating: The process of getting to know someone by intentionally spending time with them. Done over a series of meet ups. This stage does not equate to exclusivity; that should be discussed separately.
Courting: Pursuing someone with the intention of a relationship, and ultimately marriage. In this stage, you are considered to be in a courtship, which is usually exclusive.
Relationship: Having engaged in dating or courtship, you and this individual have now established/decided to be partners. This would mean exclusively (if you are both monogamous).
Dating has superseded courting in today’s world for a number of reasons. The 2 that stick out to me are increased globalization and the shift in the role marriage plays in society.
Globalization has played a part because people were often only exposed to those that they may have grown up with or exposed to in their immediate surroundings. We now have social media, more opportunities to go out, and more collective access to a global community. Globalization is the process of people, companies, and economies integrating worldwide (usually used economically, but I like how it fits socially too). We are now connected all over the globe with easier access to more people and more ways to get to know one another.
Courtship was in play when there was a rush and a need for marriage. Women needed to marry. They needed men legally and financially to depend on. They needed men socially, because of the status symbol that marriage was. Not to mention religious influence.
This leads me to choice.
Women, and men, but especially women, now have the choice of whether marriage is even what they want to aim for.
Then, when someone chooses to aim for marriage, they still then have the choice on who would be their best life partner. It doesn’t necessarily have to be someone who grew up next door, or attended the same high school. It could now be a college classmate, a friend of a friend from another country, someone they meet on social media, someone they meet on a dating app, or their coworker who works remotely in another state.
People are also now more aware of the non-financial things that marriage requires. Women, who are now able to be financially independent, are becoming increasingly aware of the emotional capacity that they require from a partner. (Yes, I said able to be financially independent. I sometimes resent the negative connotation that’s being assigned to the hyper-independent woman. Independence is a gift and it’s the result of a win from a hard-fought battle for equal rights.)
Conversely, men, who are now able to step out of the patriarchal role of sole provider, are becoming increasingly in need of balanced partnerships.
As humans, we are complex, layered creatures. It’s incredibly difficult, actually impossible, to truly know another person. It’s important to take the time to learn as much as possible before you choose to truly give the rest of your life to this person.
Additionally, getting to know another person is such a gift. It’s so beautiful to learn more about what experiences and pieces of the world another person has been able to absorb and come together to create the puzzle that they are. How disheartening would it be to always attached the pressure of “life partner” to each of these interactions. Instead, you could just be present in the moment. Be present as you learn and explore more about this person and the perspectives of the world that they’ve been able to pick up. Even if you don’t agree or see compatibility with some of those parts of them, there is still beauty in the lesson that you’ve learned about what doesn’t work for you.
So, if we were to circle back to these buzz words that have been circulating around the internet lately, here are Z’s definitions:
Casual Dating: Experiencing and getting to know another person, with no real purpose or goal in mind. Marriage is not a goal, and you are open to short-term, long-term, and probably non-exclusive dating experiences.
Dating to Marry: Marriage is the goal. Your first and only goal, and your love interests should know that coming into it. You are likely aiming for exclusivity a lot earlier than others. In this case, you may often want to date exclusively from the first date – one love interest at a time.
Life will naturally do what life does with its disappointments, hurt, and endings. Once I accepted that, it was clear that for me, I would choose low pressure dating as the solution.
I do want a life partner, but I don’t want to chase that perpetually. If and when he’s meant to come into my life, he’ll be there. In the meantime, if I come across someone I am interested in (most importantly), who is interested in me, I would want to date him. But I would not want to dedicate the entirety of my time, energy, and thoughts to him alone. Not until I’ve learned enough about him to be sure that moving to the next stages of exclusivity, and then a relationship, would be something that makes sense for me.
“Low Pressure Dating”: Marriage is your goal, eventually. But you understand that not everyone you date is intended to be your spouse. You’re open to exploring, to short and long term experiences, and likely are open to non-exclusive dating. When you find your person, you find them, but until then you won’t be taking yourself or the dating pool too seriously. The stick is out of your ass and you’re living life moment to moment. But you are dating, because those experiences are important, and maybe one day one of these love interests will end up being the best thing to ever happen to you romantically. Low pressure dating, to me, is just casual dating with a purpose.
This may mean that a partner may be just short term. But that doesn’t mean that my overall purpose for dating has changed. I still aim to find a life partner. I just won’t assign that pressure to myself and anyone I date that this individual will ultimately be my spouse.
Z's Comfort Zone 