Z's Comfort Zone

Today has been a magical day. You could ask me what I did that’s made it so magical, but the answer wouldn’t be what you expect. 

I went to a coffee shop, and I went grocery shopping. Now I’m sitting at my computer typing words, while it rains outside. 

Perfect day. Magical day. 

I’ve been hustling for 7 years. I went from $10 an hour to a number I don’t even want to put down here.

I went from being a struggling college student. Not just typically financially struggling, but also mentally and emotionally struggling. Battling depression and anxiety 5 years before the pandemic came and raised awareness to how crippling those 2 things can be.

From battling myself, to jump starting my career. Putting my head down and going into overdrive. Initially to outrun my inner turmoil, yes. But eventually, with the support of therapy, community, and self-awareness, the hustling was intended to build a great life for myself.

And I did that too. I completely restructured my life.

I continued on the path of a great career. A career that fit who I was and the impact I wanted to have on this world perfectly.

A career that led me to a job that had me consistently traveling to various offices across the US and Canada. A job that went through mergers and acquisitions and required me to make tough decisions, have hard conversations, take on big-girl responsibilities, and eventually help to turn the lights off on the company because of the nature of my role. And doing this while expecting my first child.

Then I restructured my personal life. I realized my dream of being a mother, and brought new life into the world. By the grace of God, I birthed a little human, and went on to spend a year of his life by his side completely.

Add in: marrying my best friend + moving cross country + marriage struggles + studying for, testing, and passing a certification to level up in my career + trying to start a business + being an ever evolving 20-something.

This is where it slows down, right?

Wrong.

Moving again to another brand new state. Getting an even bigger-girl job. Working ridiculous hours and weekends to lead a department, a team, continue to raise the beautiful child, and continue to struggle in the marriage.

Leaving the job for better pay, better hours, and ending up having the same demands and responsibilities as before. But whew, that “this is how much I wanna make by the time I’m 30” goal? Smashed it. At 25.

Did I mention buying the dream car, and then trading it in for a brand new didn’t realize I even had this in me car.

I’ve been on the go for all of those years. I remember tweeting once, before all of this, that I wanted to expedite my life. I wanted to jump to the good part. The part where I had the family I loved and the career that was flourishing and allowed me financial freedom.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved the family that I had. If I could go back and work everything out before it reached the breaking point of no return, I absolutely would.

But that life went fast. Not too fast, because the way it played out was exactly what was meant for me, to be the person that I am today, in the life that I have today. But it was fast, and that desire to expedite the process was a naive and immature way of thinking.

I’ve been raising a toddler now, and with each new milestone, each new phrase he learns, each new development he has, I realized just how quickly this life will pass us by. Looking back and realizing that the past 7 years was really 7 whole years reminds me of just how quickly time is moving.

In all of this, a lot of times I forgot what rest was. I forgot who I was. As a human, breathing and going about this life in the present tense. Not the future tense. Not the past tense. Not through the mother lens. Not through the career woman lens. Not through the ex-wife lens. Just through Z’s lens.

A huge part of my identity is that I’m a hustler. I execute what I set out to do. I make things happen. But that’s what makes it so much worse. I want to keep working and so I forget what rest is.

I want to be impactful.
I want to effect change.
I want to change the world incrementally.
So who has time for rest?

But these days all I want to do is rest. I know that in the near future, capitalism will come knocking on my door again, and the hustling spirit will be front and center. I’ll need money to survive and to truly live the way that I want to, and that money will have to come from work, and that work will demand my time, and my love of pouring myself into my work will demand my energy.

So I am enjoying this rest.

I get to talk to my friends and family nearly 24/7. About everything and nothing at all. I get to interact with others, without my social battery really running out, because I have rest in so many other areas, that I need very little social rest.

I get to stroll through the grocery store and make conscious choices about the food that I buy, because I have the time to leisurely think about what my meals will look like. I have time to be intentional about what is going into my body, and I know I will have time to prepare these meals.

Having no time for anyone or anything is not a flex. Not having time for myself is not a flex.

I enjoy this freedom to choose whether I want to lose myself in a book or in a TV series, instead of knowing I have to lose myself in the work I carried home after tucking my son into bed. When instead I could be contemplating whether I want a nap or want to do a living room dance session. Or time for a self date. A friend date. To go see the new Marvel or Hunger Games movie.

To spend hours blogging or writing poetry. Just because, or for release.

I say all of this though, knowing who I am on the inside. The vow I make to myself, though, is that I will try to balance rest and work when the time comes.

But, because I know who I am, I will continue to enjoy this time off. I’ll continue to enjoy being in these present moments and get as much rest as I can before the money & the hunger to change the world comes knocking again.