Someone wise once told me that I don’t have to depend on one person to lean on. The essence of community means that I have multiple people, with differing strengths, that I can lean on for support at any given time. Some may be better at emotional support, others may be great at mommy advice, and others may be best at financial support. Either way, this is all support, and in any situation, there may be at least 1 person to call on that is strong in that area.
If you’re monogamous, this becomes a bit more challenging. When you choose your life partner, this is someone that you will be walking beside for everyday of your life. That could be a few days, or a few decades.
You choose one partner, and they have to check all (or most) of your boxes, which is huge.
With friends you have a lot, and each of them have their own unique qualities and capacities, so I’m sure you know which friend can help you hold each individually bucket of water. Your significant other, though, they get all of you. Once that commitment is made, they don’t get to pick and choose the buckets they can carry – it’s all of them, or nothing. For the rest of your life.
This makes dating so challenging.
In early dating, you begin to introduce small parts of yourself, in hopes that it aligns with the other person, then you can begin to explore the rest. But there is so much to explore. Sure, this means that it’ll be exciting to get to know another. Fun dates, exciting conversations, new adventures, learning new perspectives…
The issue comes when the not-so-compatible buckets of water start to surface and need to be carried. Now you’ve reached the stage where you can either:
a) Choose to carry it, and compromise, since no one is perfect, and you’re really enjoying one another. The pros outweigh the cons, or
b) Choose not to carry it, and send all the time and pieces of yourself that you’ve invested into this person down the drain.
Here are the repercussions:
A. You’ve chosen to carry it! How many more buckets are you willing to carry? When will you stop compromising, and realize these are too many? Have you defined that boundary, or are you kinda just winging it? Just remember to not lose sight of who you are! Sacrifice is important, but so is self-love. Though, I commend you for choosing this route. In today’s society, it’s hard to find a love of devotion. It’s important to remember that we’re all human, life is short, and to prioritize what’s truly important.
B. You’ve chosen to walk away. That easily? No one is perfect. Life is short, and no matter what, you will have skeletons and buckets to carry. What are your non-negotiables? Do these stem from valid reasons, or from fear? Remember to consider that sacrifice is important. But, I commend you for your choice. It’s tough to get past the idea that “loyalty is everything” so that you don’t self-abandon. A self-assurance, and courage to walk away when you know it’s necessary is tough, especially when love is in the picture.
So, how can we get away from this double-edged sword? I’m not sure we can. It’s not like you can introduce every bit of yourself at once. even if you tried, I’m sure there are nuances about you that you’d forget, or wouldn’t be able to see unless you were on the outside looking in.
And if you did try, how would you sound on a first date?
“Hi, my name is Sam. I have 3 dogs and a cat. I had 2 dogs before, they died when I was 10. I cried for 4 months after. I just went through a breakup 2 months ago, and since then, I met a guy at a bar that I’ve been sleeping with every weekend. You know, just to take the edge off. I like to drink, a lot, but I don’t have a problem, I’m just a social drinker. My friends and I love to go out, preferably where there is a pool table. My parents divorced young which warped my view of love. They’re remarried now. I love my stepmom because she teaches me so much about womanhood and boundaries, but my stepdad kinda doesn’t like me much. My siblings are great – my older brother is teaching me to box, and all my younger sister does is sit at home playing D&D, but she’s my best friend, I talk to her everyday. My therapist says I suffer from anxiety, and she’s suggested medication, but I just try to meditate once daily. I actually love meditation. My career is so fulfilling. I think I’m extremely kind – I like to give gifts and show physical affection to the people I love. I like to play board games a lot, I love Sudoku. My favorite food is…..”
In which part of the story did I lose you? Cause I’m sure you stopped reading at some point and skipped ahead. Or maybe you read the whole thing (in which case, I commend you LOL). But Sam sounds a bit scary, right?
There’s no escaping the double-edged sword, and you shouldn’t want to. To be human is such a complex experience, and we should savor the opportunity to turn the pages one at a time. We have to gradually introduce ourselves to one another, because that’s the only way to truly immerse ourselves in this experience of learning.
It’s a beautiful and life-changing experience each time. Whether you’re lucky enough to only do it once, or lucky enough to do it 50 times. Each time you get to spend learning more about another human is not a waste. No matter what you lose, you will gain so much. You’ll learn more about yourself, about life, about others, other perspectives, and you will be forever changed.
Just give it a chance, and get back out there. Eventually, if it’s meant for you, you will find your person. The one to hold all of your buckets. The one who will spend a lifetime learning more about you, growing with you.
In conclusion, there is no perfect person, and no perfect love story; only the experience.
And don’t forget; there may be things that are nice to have that you may be able to compromise on, but never compromise on your needs.
Z's Comfort Zone 