Z's Comfort Zone

On my vision board this year, me being a “Passenger Princess” was an important qualification for my ideal partner. While I meant literally riding in the passenger seat of his physical car, I’m realizing how key the figurative meaning is too.

I want and need to be a passenger princess to God, and the vehicle is my life. Jesus, take the wheel… literally.

Over the last couple of years, I’ve noticed a few traits in myself that I haven’t liked and that I want to improve. This spirit of control is at the center of them. It manifests itself in so many different ways – people pleasing, borderline neuroticism, trust issues, and more – and it’s not something that I want for myself.

I’ve been discussing some of this with my therapist this year, and she made a great point about the relation between a few of the issues that I’ve been having.

I block someone’s number to control the conversation.

I prefer to drive because I control the safety of everyone in the car. Which can also translate to protecting the people I love.

I present myself in a malleable way and make myself small to control how I am perceived, and how others feel around me.

I work hard and with zeal to control the outcome and results.

We then talked about one of my goals this year, which was to try and give it to God. And I had to admit to her that it’s been a struuuuuuggle. Stress and worry less? Pray and then let it go? A foreign language.

I’m a go-getter. I’m the type of person who likes to be on go, get it done, see the results. I want to know how it will be done, by what time, to what quality, what you need from me, and how quickly can we reap the rewards.

But God doesn’t work that way.

When I think I’m intentional, God is more. I think I’m strategic, but God’s plans are awe-inspiring. Even when I think I’ve seen the end result, it still isn’t the end yet, and He has even more in store. So, I know deep down that I need to give it to God. But again, how?

My therapist then asked me if I knew what my role is, as a daughter. As God’s daughter. Do I know how to be His daughter? And if I say I trust God and I’m giving my life and my worries to God, then what is my role? Because I know I can’t just fully be hands off. I can’t not work. I can’t not get on the boat when he sends it to me. My actions have to come in somewhere in order to receive and cultivate the gifts and blessings I’m given.

But I think I’m learning my role. My role is to take my foot off the gas.

I heard a church sermon yesterday, and it MOVED me. No tears, no fluff, no additional anything. Just the word, me, and God, and a smile on my face.

Just confirmation.

Wonders, Signs, and Miracles.

The pastor said “I don’t know who I’m speaking to right now. Today is your day to free your spirit of the spirit of control.”

Then he said “You can’t enjoy the food at a fine dining restaurant if you’re also trying to take everyone’s orders and make the meals”.

And I saw myself. In my head, I saw images of me rushing trying to take on the whole world and solve everything, while also trying to convince myself that I can and should rest. Because all I do is try to keep the restaurant afloat, even when the restaurant isn’t mine in the first place.

The battle isn’t mine. It’s Gods.
Other people’s reactions and actions aren’t mine. They’re theirs.

So, what am I trying to control?

And no matter where the need for control stems from, I know at the end of the day, the goal is to release it.

To relinquish it.

To surrender.

I’ve recently also found myself overthinking these critical areas; my career, my finances, and my love life.

I’ve been type-A planning these things out for YEARS. I’ve been stressing and fighting and sweating and stressing some more. And I keep telling myself, and others, that I’m tired. I’ve been at this for a decade now, foot on the gas, going 100mph at minimum, for a decade. And I’m exhausted. But what am I doing about it? Giving myself more glass ceilings to smash. Making grandiose commitments to rest that I don’t adhere to.

But that message yesterday? That was my sign to commit. In small doses, and over time.

I set reminders in my phone as affirmations or as a tool for grounding myself. One that I’ve set most recently is a daily reminder to choose one thing to let go of this week. The goal is to pick one thing and to remember daily that I am working on releasing that thing over the course of the week. This week, I’ve chosen to release the spirit of control, once and for all. I will continue to choose this weekly until I feel like I have made good progress on that goal.

Since being challenged by my therapist, and receiving that word of confirmation yesterday, when I begin to overthink anything, especially related to those 3 key areas, I pause and ask myself:

What am I trying to control in this?

That’s progress.

People don’t tell us that the incremental wins in the healing process often come from simply noticing something in the moment, and challenging ourselves to critically analyze it. Where did this feeling come from? What am I noticing about this moment? Where is my mind taking me? How do I get my mind back, stop it from running, and ground myself?

Ironic, right? The solution to my overthinking is to think some more.

It’s the little things. What am I trying to control in this? Like when I feel myself tense up about something, asking myself what that reaction or emotion is that I’m trying to control in that moment. Or a lot of the times finding myself wanting to control someone’s perspective of me versus just being. Or other times it’s trying to control the results versus enjoying the present moment.

Little by little, I will relinquish that spirit of control and truly surrender to God. Through every thought pattern that I challenge, and every impulse that I redirect away from a need for control and instead toward God’s will and peace.

Not only that, but I need to be led in the same way by my partner. I need to respect and adore my partner, and trust that they will lead and drive me in the right direction.

Monaleo said “Passenger Princess, yeah I’m precious cargo.” Man, how different this is from the girl I was at 19. Nowadays, I actually do treat myself as precious cargo. Back then… that’s a different blog post.

My partner’s love must hold me like God’s love does. Intentional. Pure. Gentle. Correcting. Stabilizing. Capable. Safe.
But my partner’s love will also need the space and the environment to do so. That love can’t be stifled, or overrun, or boxed in. So, I can’t control connection. Which means I shouldn’t overthink it either.

So yes, a passenger princess, both literally and figuratively.

I will follow where you lead; and not get in your way.

I will sit and watch where you take me; and enjoy the ride.

I will do my part when asked; and only that.

As a daughter. As a partner. As a being made to enjoy this life.