“I don’t want worship. I want understanding.”
I’ve been struggling lately with whether my relationships are transactional. Family, friends, and partners alike.
I’ve been struggling lately with whether I give enough, and whether I allow interpersonal relationships to just be and exist, or if I overthink them.
I do overthink them, but something made me recently snap out of the overthinking and realize yes, love and trust, affection and respect do all live in my relationships.
And I do also give these things.
What is also a common theme in my relationships is understanding. I am understood, so I am safe, comfortable, at peace, and fully myself in their presence.
This just isn’t necessarily true in romantic partnerships.
I was also able to identify and dissect partnerships where I felt I was understood, until after it ended where I would reflect to realize I actually was not.
In my friendships and some familial relationships, I find safety to fully unmask and be who I am. I am met with an understanding that calms my spirit.
In partnerships, I struggle with this. And as I see more posts about ASD & neurodivergent brains, it becomes more and more apparent.
It’s as if there’s a certain wall in every relationship, sometimes it comes earlier, sometimes it takes a while before it comes up. And I’m unsure whether this wall comes up by my own doing, or if it would naturally exist there no matter what. It’s the barrier or extent to which I am understood.
(And the barrier for me continuing to be understanding, but that’s a topic for another day.)
It’s as if as a romantic relationship begins, I can start to unpack who I am, and offer my vulnerability, but only for a time. As I start to remove all the bags from the trunk, at first all is well, but then I shut down. The environment doesn’t provide understanding in the same ways, and I don’t feel safe and comfortable to just be me. Or to remove the wall.
Sensory issues.
Need for reassurance.
Leadership.
Patience.
Emotional sensitivity.
Somewhere here the wall comes up. The lack of understanding, or a desire to understand.
As I think about what I need, instead of desire, which burns bright at the very beginning, I need understanding. The thing that helps me to be centered in all other relationships.
Understanding allows me to stay. Understanding unlocks clarity. It shows up in communication. It shows up in action, and in accommodation. It displays itself as curiosity. It demonstrates care. It lays the foundation of love.
Z's Comfort Zone 