This one is really long. It took me a long time, but it was a long time coming. This feels like 5 years of grief being poured out into a bottle for safekeeping. Each time I write one of these, it feels like painting on canvas. This time, Adele is my muse.
The website editor is saying this is a 25-minute read. Grab a snack, but thanks for reading!
I think my favorite album of all time is Adele’s divorce album, 30.
The journey she took us on is awe-inspiring.
I know I connect so deeply with it because of my own personal ties to the poetry, the words, and her motivation. It helped me to not feel alone, and to internalize a work of art that I could feel in the depth of my bones, while I navigated a very trying time in my life. Not to mention it was released in late 2021, right on the verge of my life changing. But this album is a MASTERPIECE even without a direct personal relation to it.
I tried not to quote nearly every lyric of each song I chose to include, but it was so hard. There is so much to unpack.
Let’s dive in…
Strangers by Nature
She starts us off with Strangers by Nature. Not one of my all-time favorites, and I honestly don’t even know why. This song begins the process of peeling back every layer of flesh from me and seeing straight into my heart and mind. Everything about who I am is on the table vulnerably in this song.
“I’ll be taking flowers to the cemetery of my heart
For all my lovers in the present and in the dark
Every anniversary I’ll pay my respects and say I’m sorry
For they never stood a chance as if they could.”
A STRONG start, and evidence of the type of journey we’re about to embark on.
The poetryyyyyy.
She starts off with this quote telling us about knowing the hurt she’s caused. Knowing that there is respect to pay. Knowing that for those she loved romantically, she may have set them up for failure.
Then she reflects – she talks about seeing life more clearly and being able to truly see the beauty of the world around her. Having this sense of gratitude, and clarity, and grounding which comes after all of that heartache and grief.
Through that reflection, being able to identify where she went wrong as a partner – what arguments she could have let lie, what battles she could have chosen not to fight.
But the premise of the song and the words that get repeated – “We’re strangers by nature” – is the true cornerstone of this piece.
I feel this strongly in my romantic connections. I feel like a person existing in a world, my world, that is nearly impossible to understand. It’s so impossible to tap into all of the inner workings of my brain and my heart and see how I’ve been crafted and molded based on my life’s experiences. To see the world how I see it, and to feel the world how I feel it. So easy to be misunderstood. So difficult to truly feel connected. So hard to feel optimistic that one day someone might get it. So isolated.
For that reason, partners are often set up for failure and still feel like strangers. How close are you able to get to me? How much could I have truly loved you, or you me?
Was this journey of grief pre-determined even at the start?
Easy on Me
I believe this is my favorite on the album. It was my first love of this album. It was the first and easiest one for me to connect with. It struck me in my soul, but without tearing me apart and baring all my truths like some of the other songs down the line would.
Go easy on me, baby
I was still a child
Didn’t get the chance to
Feel the world around me
Not only did this reveal how I was feeling in the moment, but it brought me to the realization that I still needed to experience the world and all that it had to offer me. I needed to know myself more, and I wasn’t ready to leave that behind. I needed more. Not just from the partnership, but from myself.
I changed who I was to put you both first
But now I give up
The worst realization was the feeling that I’d lost myself. That I’d given away pieces of myself, for something and someone that I felt hadn’t made the same sacrifices for me or provided the space for me to stay true to myself.
But, back to the first song, and the previous revelation that I needed to learn more about myself as well, did I know who I was enough to even know what I wanted to stay true to?
I had good intentions
And the highest hopes
But I know right nowㅤ
It probably doesn’t even show
Go easy on me.
My Little Love
This one wrecked me. The greatest emotional rollercoaster of this album was this song here. I still don’t think I’ve quite recovered. Considering these emotions still ring true today…
When you look at me so full of my emotions
I’m finding it hard to be here, sincerely
Parenting in general is such a feat. I’m not sure we know just how much we underestimate both the beauty and the responsibility of it. Each year the responsibility grows.
Going from managing dirty diapers to celebrating wobbly first steps, to forming the critical foundations of emotional intelligence, to helping a developing brain grow and explore, to supporting the molding of an entire personality.
Mummy’s been having a lot of big feelings recently
….
And I feel like I don’t really know what I’m doing
I mean, from parenting, to personal relationships, to romantic relationships, to finding myself, to establishing my career, to managing my emotions, do I really know what I’m doing?
When you lay on me, can you hear the way my heart breaks?
I wanted you to have everything I never had
A broken home for my kids was never in the cards I dealt for my life.
Divorce was never in the cards I dealt.
But in the cards I was dealt, and in God’s plan for my life, both of these are my reality.
I’m grateful for every way that I am shaped and molded by my life’s experiences. I’m grateful for the way these trials have prepared me; I see what I have learned and gained and how my preparation shows up in future experiences. Yet, my heart breaks. For me, for the girl I used to be who had dreams and hopes, and for my son.
I’m holding on (barely)
Mama’s got a lot to learn (it’s heavy)
I’m holding on (catch me)
Mama’s got a lot to learn (teach me)
I am learning, and it is heavy. Stumbling through, trying to figure out what it is I’m doing, is heavy. Emotions are heavy.
You know what’s even heavier? Feeling things deeply while living in a world of “shake it off”.
It seems almost wrong to ask your child to teach you, doesn’t it? But what I think Adele is trying to tell us is that, even without us asking, our children teach us things about life that we never imagined we’d ever learn. They teach us love and wisdom and peace in ways that nothing else in the world would be able to teach, except parenthood.
I’m having a bad day, I’m having a very anxious day
I feel very paranoid, I feel very stressed
Um, I have a hangover, which never helps, but..
We tend to forget sometimes that alcohol is a depressant, don’t we?
This moment of vulnerability is something that’s so hard to capture well in art, I feel. How do you share how you’re feeling in a given moment, make it align with the poetry, and also ensure that it remains a powerful aspect of the entire journey on its own. This isn’t just a part of the song; it’s a part of the process. I’ve had so many of these days throughout these 5 years of grief.
She goes on to say…
I feel like today is the first day since I left him that I feel lonely
And I never feel lonely, I love being on my own
I always preferred being on my own than being with people
And I feel like maybe I’ve been, like, overcompensating
Being out and stuff like that to keep my mind off of him
And I feel like today I’m home, and I wanna be at home
I just wanna watch TV and curl up in a ball and
Be in my sweats and stuff like that, I just feel really lonely
I feel a bit frightened that I might feel like this a lot
This is more than just the personal connection, or personal journey, of heartbreak and divorce. This is a universal reflection of grief, written in poetry. This reminder of how grief shows up for us often, and how raw this feeling can be, was delivered through about a minute and a half of unabashed vulnerability.
Now, reread that. But read each line individually and sit with it.
I Drink Wine
I prefer tequila, but if the wine is really good, I get down with that too.
This is one of those 6 minutes that doesn’t even feel like 6 minutes. Because when it’s over, I’m left still wanting more. Yet, I feel filled with wonder, if that makes sense?
There’s so much emotion there. So much packed into those minutes.
How can one become so bounded
By choices that somebody else makes?
Listen, I love all the different stages of me. But, 26-year-old me had beef with my 19-year-old and 23-year-old selves. I felt those were the versions of myself that I was most betrayed by.
But again, I was still a child.
Yet, how often do we all live in a state of regret, or near-regret, or what ifs?
I loved my partner, and the gift he gave me was like no other. My son is my greatest joy. So I don’t live in regret. But the what ifs were on repeat throughout the grieving process.
We’re in love with the world, but the world just wants to bring us down
By puttin’ ideas in our heads that corrupt our hearts somehow
When I was a child, every single thing could blow my mind
Soakin’ it all up for fun, but now I only soak up wine
If you’re 25+ and you’re jaded by life or love or both, raise your hand.
They say to play hard, you work hard
Find balance in the sacrifice
Yet I don’t know anybody who’s truly satisfied
I don’t know any billionaires.
However, moving through different economic classes, and seeing and experiencing for myself, I recognize how much hard work and increased compensation and more assets truly do not satisfy. It’s more than just that they can’t fill the gap of what true wealth is in this life (love, community, family, healthy relationships, joy, healthy, sense of self, and so on). But as you continue to earn and acquire, it’s like there becomes an immediate and insatiable hunger for even more.
More achievement, more money, more reward, more growth.
I also don’t know anyone who is truly satisfied.
But we work hard anyway. 
Why am I obsessin’ about the things I can’t control?
Why am I seekin’ approval from people I don’t even know?
This one is twofold.
On the one side, I have to acknowledge that societal pressures don’t go away. Trying to be a version of ourselves that the world perceives however they see fit but still trying our best to be perfect enough that their perception will be that of perfection, is a real thing.
On the other hand, a lot of us have this internal drive and set these high expectations of ourselves. While ambition is great, self-improvement is great, and introspection is great, we spend so much time picking ourselves apart before others get the chance to. Or hyper-focusing and stressing over things that are insignificant or beyond our control.
But why? Why continue? When you learn the secret to completely cutting this habit out, please let me know.
I hope in time we both will find peace of mind.
Woman Like Me
You’re driving me away, give me a reason to stay
I want to be lost in you, but not in this way
Don’t think you quite understand who you have on your hands
How can you not see just how good for you I am?
Love letter to all my former lovers. You never quite understood.
I know that you’ve been hurt before, that’s why you feel so insecure
I begged you to let me in, ’cause I only want to be the cure
If you don’t choose to grow, we ain’t ever gonna know
Just how good this could be
I really hoped that this would go somewhere
I struggle with this one. I see this from both a man and a woman’s perspective and I see it from both mine and my previous partners’ perspectives.
This is one of the toughest things to navigate in life in general. As human beings with complex biological and emotional capacity, it’s difficult to unpack when your brain is navigating based on current experiences vs. when it’s navigating from past traumas. Or when it’s a mixture of both.
It’s hard to tell if your approach is constructive or destructive in the very moment that you are carrying out that behavior. But that reflection afterward is a motherfucker.
So yes, it’s very easy to be insecure and take a destructive approach to things. It’s easy to self-sabotage and not even realize it. It’s easy to not hold firm to your boundaries and it’s also easy to mistake when your boundaries are actually holding you back. Yet it’s also important to value and uphold your boundaries because they’re there for a reason.
Balancing all of this can get overwhelming. What can be even worse is not even being aware of how any of this is showing up.
So yes, we have to choose to grow. If we don’t choose to, then how can you truly evolve into a person who can both experience and contribute to a healthy relationship?
All you do is complain about decisions you make
How can I help lift you if you refuse to activate the life that you truly want?
I know it’s hard, but it’s not
We come from the same place, but you will never give it up
It’s where they make you feel powerful
That’s why you think I make you feel small
But that’s your projection, it’s not my rejection
Wheewwww.
Some people would hate me and rolled their eyes at this if they ever read it. But here goes, I’m going to say it anyways.
The men that I have encountered in my life, who I feel are not moving at the same pace that I am, are only stuck in their circumstances because they choose to be stuck in their circumstances.
And men are SO mean when they aren’t happy with themselves. Y’all don’t see it sometimes do you? The projection and the harm you cause when you’re low on yourself? The way your insecurity takes up a life of its own and wears different faces?
I’m not making you feel small, you are.
And it doesn’t even have to be this way.
Maybe they wouldn’t roll their eyes because essentially what I’m saying is you are far too brilliant, far too capable, and have far too many resources at your disposal for you to not be doing as well as you dream to be.
(This is specifically targeting the men that I have had in my life with big dreams, but aren’t taking the necessary action.)
In fact, far too many connections have ended for me because of a lack of drive.
I do not think that you are less than me. I, in fact, think that you are capable of running circles around me if you put your mind to it. I don’t care how brilliant you think that I am or how advanced you think that I am or how high the pedestal is that you’ve placed me on. I think that you have the capability and the capacity to do great things in this life.
Why aren’t you doing them? It isn’t as hard as it appears. Don’t let your fear hold you back. Activate the life you really want. Take calculated risks. Take the leap and bet on yourself.
Repurpose that pedestal and put yourself on it.
But loving you was a breakthrough
I saw what my heart can really do
Now some other man will get the love I have for you
I have no doubt that the love I give is that of pure gold. I love based on the guidance and example I see of God’s love. I pour myself into love.
No holds barred.
I’ve said this throughout my life and will continue to say it. No matter how down on myself I get I do know deep down: my love is top tier.
Complacency is the worst trait to have, are you crazy?
Honestly, complacency robs you of so many great things.
Complacency is an anthesis to love.
It is so sad, a man like you could be so lazy.
A man like you.
Because again so capable, so brilliant, so much potential, yet so complacent.
It really is so sad.
Consistency is the gift to give for free, and it is key
To ever keep, to ever keep a woman like me
Consistent in your actions, consistent in your values, consistent in your growth, consistent in how you make me feel, consistent in how you show up as a partner, consistent in your faith, consistent with your love. Consistency is the foundation of dependability. Dependability is a pillar of love.
(One more time)
Complacency is the worst trait to have
Are you crazy?
You ain’t never had, ain’t never had a woman like me
It is so sad, a man like you could be so lazy (woman like me)
Consistency is the gift to give for free…
Hold On
This one also wrecked me. It was like looking into the Ouroboros mirror (ACOTAR girlies know what I mean).
This is the song that should clearly depict just how much this is a journey of self, as much as it’s a journey of divorce.
I don’t think I’ve even gotten past this feeling – some of it feels constant. Some of it pops up here and there.
Oh, what have I done yet again?
Have I not learned anything?
I don’t want to live in chaos
It’s like a ride that I want to get off
I almost can’t even write about this one. It’s actually hard for me to share why and how I relate to some of this.
It’s hard to hold onto who I am
When I’m stumbling in the dark for a hand
I am so tired of battling
With myself with no chance to win
Inside my mind can be a tough place to visit.
I swear to God, I am such a mess
The harder that I try, I regress
I’m my own worst enemy
Right now, I truly hate being me
Every day feels like the road I’m on
Might just open up and swallow me whole
But we hold on, and we make it through those days.
I read a book recently called Chaos Theory by Nic Stone. One of my best friends recommended it to me and loaned it to me.
It tore me apart.
How do I feel so mighty small
When I’m struggling to feel at all?
During the divorce process, I experienced grief in ebbs and flows. It was both an overwhelming tide of sadness, pain, regret, anger, and everything in between, as well as an empty void of nothingness.
I still sometimes battle with this nothingness. Actually, lately I’m realizing just how much that nothingness has stuck around, and just how much of my heart it’s seized.
Sometimes loneliness is the only rest we get
And the emptiness actually lets us forget
Sometimes forgiveness is easiest in secret
That void of nothingness serves its purpose. But it doesn’t help us heal or cope; it’s shutting off a pipe that’s bound to burst.
In the quiet, we can often transform the emptiness and loneliness into healing. Slowly, but incrementally, the bad days become less. The clouds become less frequent. Setbacks should be expected, but don’t let the setbacks win.
In the silence, we can find the light. Peace. Direction. Clarity.
Forgiveness.
Forgiveness of others.
Forgiveness of myself for my own choices.
Forgiveness of myself for where I fail today and will fail again tomorrow.
Forgiveness for being my hardest critic.
Forgiveness for being my own worst enemy.
Forgiveness for not feeling strong enough.
Forgiveness for giving too much.
Forgiveness for not giving enough.
Forgiveness for being human.
I say that this was a 5-year grieving process, but this song reminds me that this has been 15 years in the making.
Just hold on
Let time be patient (you)
You are still strong
Let pain be gracious (love will soon come)
Just hold on (you, just hold on)
(You, just hold on) hold on
Let time be patient – time will pass, this too shall pass, be patient.
Let pain be gracious – be gracious with yourself, feel through it.
Love will soon come.
Just be patient (you, just hold on)
Do we ever really stop grieving?
To Be Loved
It’s about time that I face myself
All I do is bleed into someone else
Painting walls with all my secret tears
Filling rooms with all my hopes and fears
Eventually you can’t keep running. Running into someone else’s arms, expecting them to save you. Running into the next achievement or the next dopamine hit. Eventually you have to cry out loud, fail out loud, and ask for help.
I’ll never learn if I never leap
I’ll always yearn if I never speak
To say out loud that I want more, that I deserve more, no matter how softly it’s spoken, feels like screaming until your voice is hoarse. It’s a bold statement. An impactful statement. It shifts everything. It shifts your perspective; it begins a process of self-love that is unimaginable.
It also causes pain to those who now feel like they aren’t enough.
But you have to say it. Speak up and make sure your needs are met.
Leap.
Speak.
You deserve it.
I’ll be the one to catch myself this time
Trying to learn to lean into it all
I think I’ve learned my lesson.
Looking back, I don’t regret a thing
Yeah, I took some bad turns that I am owning
I’ll stand still and let the storm pass by
Keep my heart safe ’til the time feels right
I can only be better prepared for next time. But I don’t regret it.
What a thing to do
All because I wanted
To be loved and love at the highest count
Let it be known, known, known
That I will choose, I will lose
It’s a sacrifice, but I can’t live a lie
One thing I love about this song is the ending. The rawness in how she delivers the last few seconds. It brings goosebumps and tears to my eyes instantly.
I understand this deeply.
“I was so young that it was hard to know. I’m as lost now as I was back then. But let it be known, that I tried.”
Let it be known
Let it be known that I tried
That I tried
Let it be known that I tried
Love Is A Game
My heart speaks in puzzle and codes
I’ve been trying my whole life to solve
This is one of my favorite song lyrics ever. I couldn’t have said this better if I tried. I still am trying to solve this riddle myself.
Love is a game for fools to play
And I ain’t fooling again
What a cruel thing
To self-inflict that pain
A cruel, cruel thing.
But this is just like saying “I’m never drinking again” because of a really bad hangover. Lying to ourselves.
Foolish.
No amount of love
Can keep me satisfied (Satisfied, satisfied)
I can’t keep up (I can’t keep up, I can’t keep up)
When I keep changing my mind
(Change my mind, change my mind)
This is soooooooo real. Sometimes I do feel like my goal post moves. How can I truly be satisfied in love when I’m still learning myself, or struggling to re-learn myself, or have shifting needs and priorities?
Oh you know, I’d do it all again
I love it now like I loved it then
I’m a fool for that
You know I’m, you know I’m gonna do it
This is one of those songs that just speaks to my soul and everything that I am.
When Adele delivered her TV special “One Night Only”, there was no better song to end the set with. Not only the lyrics, but the emotion, the pace, the choice in production of the song, and the choice in production of the live performance.
This song takes our journey full circle.
Who am I? Why do I do this to myself? Why can’t I just exist in calmness instead of putting myself on this rollercoaster of love?
Yet, I’d do it again in a heartbeat. We are meant to love. We are meant to be known. We are meant for partnership and companionship.
We deserve love.
Someone reminded me recently of how beautiful it is to feel and feel deeply.
“I want someone to see my soul.”
“Emotion is a gift.”
I’d choose this battle every time. Not only the battle to experience love. Not only the battle to love and be loved, romantically, but To Be Loved by me.
I choose grief and loss, recovery and healing and forgiveness, and the cyclical nature of it time and time again, because that’s a beautiful experience of life.
Grief is the proof that we once held something so precious that we’ve suffered from its loss.
I choose me and the depth of my emotions time and time again because that experience is a gift of life. It’s proof that I’m alive.
I’ll take as many defeats as life plans to hand me.
I want to hold that precious gift again. And again. And again.
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