Z's Comfort Zone

There’s a part of my heart that’s completely hardened and has stopped feeling bad for saying no and ending things with men when I don’t feel fulfilled.

I realize it’s the part of me that felt bad for them, knowing that they relied on me to be their person.

Men like to talk. And that’s not a bad thing. In fact, it’s encouraged. It’s encouraged to get everything off of your chest and express how you feel and to be open.

It’s how you return that energy that matters.

The other part of me was the one who didn’t like demanding anything for herself. She didn’t even like to ask for anything for herself. She didn’t even like to receive anything unprovoked for herself.

This included time and energy and effort. Even effort to make a conversation two-way. Care and intention to make sure that a conversation was balanced.

But all that I’ve noticed is men like to talk.

They don’t like to ask, they’re not being curious, they don’t make space, they just talk.

I don’t like to talk.

But I know when I’m comfortable with someone how much talking I can do.

I know that in my friendships, we can have hours of conversation, which feel balanced.

And I know that in my ideal partner, I want love that mirrors God’s love and my friends’ love. What they have in common is they care about me and want to hear from me and make space for me.

They know me enough to know my needs and when I need to get something off of my chest. They know me enough to know when and how to ask about me so that I can open up if I haven’t done so. God pulls me into prayer and reflection often for this.

But for some reason, there is a pattern of men in my life who don’t do this.

That tells me you don’t care to know me truly. You just want someone to listen. You don’t want to get to know me truly because you don’t truly want me. You don’t care about me or my experience truly, you just need someone for you. You don’t want to get to know me truly because you desire me with no substance or intention for anything real after that.

You just want a person, but I am probably not the person.

And when you lose me, you’ll be alone and lonely. But so will I. So am I. Because if you’re only here to talk to me about your own experience, and I don’t have space to talk to you about mine, then I am alone, and I am lonely.

So, that part of my heart has hardened.

If you do not care about me, I will not care about you. And if you are not bringing me fulfillment and joy, it’s not about what you can give me, it’s about what you are taking away from me.

You are taking my time, you are taking my energy, you are taking my affection, and you are giving nothing back.

Men like to talk.

And they will tell you about their big dreams and what they plan to do and what they are trying to do and especially what they meant to do.

The actions remain missing.

But men like to talk.