“I implore young, impressionable women to ensure they are separating real life from works of fiction.”
I’m here to say I was wrong.
I think that was my very first blog/entry actually. Fitting, because I was very early on in my healing journey. The resentment was real. My self-reflection and growth journey were also still in their youth.
Here’s what I’ve discovered though – these (mostly woman) authors, who write these books that I can’t put down, have done me a disservice. The content I’m consuming, whether through literature or television, has largely warped my view on romantic love. Not because the love they’re describing is impossible to attain in our non-fictional world, but because…. Here’s the kicker, are you ready?
It’s nearly impossible for non-fictional men to live up to the standards that our book boyfriends have set.
I was wrong because is not nearly impossible. It is more than possible.
Men are both capable, and willing. The larger issue is in the willingness. Still, it is not nearly impossible.
In fact, this should be the norm. These things that we want that are just a bit more than bare minimum, these should be the benchmark for love.
I saw a post recently that talked about acts of devotion.
I saw another previously that talked about effort and “enthusiasm” as great measures of love also.
Not to mention acts of service. The orange peel theory?
These should be love. These should be easy and simple to strive for. These are the standards of care.
I want us to rethink and redefine the playing field. Let’s normalize these as the basic necessities and requirements. Men are capable.
I’m starting to believe that when we infantilize or undermine or underestimate men, we are setting them, and ourselves, up for failure. Let’s reshape the way we think. Let’s reshape and be mindful of what we strive for. Let’s be mindful and intentional about how we challenge and encourage our platonic male friends. Let’s be mindful and intentional about how we challenge and encourage our male siblings. Let’s encourage them to be better. Let’s celebrate when they are better.
It is not our responsibility to make them willing.
It is also not our sole responsibility to raise men. But community is important. It is somewhat our responsibility, as a community, to challenge, educate, and support the men in our lives. We should not enable harmful behaviors, or tolerate harm towards us or others, nor should we stay in any relationship or friendships that are draining or harmful. However, as a community, we have a responsibility to love, support, and uplift.
This is truly a challenge for me. I will have to be intentional, mindful, and build my skill in challenging myself to stop saying “men are annoying” all the time. I mean, they can be sometimes, but I need to do my part in this too, right? Yes, the general male population has some growing to do, but I’ll have to challenge myself to lead with positive assumption and constructive thinking toward them in the same way that I would do for women.
I have male siblings, I have male friends, and most importantly, I have a son.
I would like to think I’m doing my damn best in ensuring he is growing with gentleness, mindfulness, kindness, thoughtfulness, and all the things. Additionally, I like to think I’m doing my absolute best in providing the kind of environment that allows him to safely and fully develop mentally and emotionally, free of trauma or barriers. Because this is where it starts right?
I think this is what has stirred in me this realization, though. To create the environment for my son, he needed to be surrounded by other people, including male figures, that modeled, encouraged, and instilled these behaviors and traits in him too. This opened my eyes to truly see the men in my life for who they were. Every uncle, cousin, sibling, grandfather, and father figure faced the scrutiny, and I was surprised to find that great quality was there.
A bit of extra effort. Wives that were truly independent, cared for, and uplifted. Homes that were clean and comfortable. Filled gas tanks and a fully detailed clean car for me. A teenager recognizing and bringing a glass of water to his mother. A couple of decade-long marriages with men who to this day still dote on and love on their wives.
His own father who also intentionally continues to challenge himself to be everything that his son needs.
Even my own parental figures that I criticize a bit less recently because I know they are human, I see where they’re trying, and I can recognize where they did do their best with what they knew at the time.
I still do not tolerate or blind myself to where any of these men do need more awareness or have more work to do or didn’t do their best with what they knew. But that’s not today’s conversation.
Today’s conversation is that men are not only capable, but men are also willing.
Keep in mind:
If he is not willing, don’t force it. State your needs, and if he is not meeting them, leave.
He may have been willing with someone else but not with you, so you know he’s capable. But if he is not willing with you, don’t force it and hurt yourself in the process.
Willingness will be easy.
Sometimes you do have to teach them your specific needs and sometimes you will need to remind them because men are human. Just like we make mistakes, slip up, stop showing as much care as we could, so do they. Time can do this. Relationships are hard. Life is stressful. It happens. It should not be a pattern.
You do not need to teach basic respect and consideration. Lack of respect and care shouldn’t be tolerated.
Let’s define this standard of care and uphold it. Let’s remind them of their capabilities. Let’s not forget those capabilities. Let’s hold them truly accountable to these capabilities. Let’s not blame ourselves for any lack of willingness. Let’s go only where we are welcomed and cared for.
Men are willing and capable and a lot of them are out there.
Romance novel worthy men exist everywhere.
Truly capable, attentive, deserving, and willing men are out there.
Z's Comfort Zone 