Z's Comfort Zone

When I first started to see my therapist and was contemplating divorce, she gave me an exercise to do.

Sn: Maybe I love therapy so much because I like to learn, because she gave me homework and I absolutely LOVED it. If there’s one thing I like to do, it’s to learn, and then apply my learning.

She asked me to think about my life in a few different ways.

Life 1: If I evaluated my life as it is right now, and I changed 1 big thing (only 1), what would it look like after? So, something like my marital status, or the place that I lived, or where I worked. But I can only change 1.

Life 2: If I changed nothing and continued exactly as I was now, what would it look like after?

Life 3: No shame, no judgement, no one else’s opinion will be considered, change whatever you want as you want it. There are no limiting factors, nothing is holding you back. Of course you’re probably thinking “duh, a big house, savings, financial freedom, and so on”. But I had to take this seriously, so I went all in.

I started off with the first 2 versions. What I found was that the big thing I kept considering changing was my relationship status. That was the most impactful one to consider. I considered my life if I stayed married, and I considered it if I chose not to. I thought through staying married and all the alternatives that could still make that work. Could changing something else make marriage better? Nothing seemed to change the fact that for both scenarios 1 & 2, if I changed my marital status, things would eventually improve no matter how hard it could be in the short-term, but if I didn’t change my marital status, things would be hard no matter what.

This made my mind prepared to approach Life 3 holistically. I began thinking that this design would be broken down into each different part of my life. My finances, work, family status, life purpose, hobbies, and relationship status would all be separate compartments to analyze.

Until I couldn’t stop thinking about them as one.

My work and purpose became one. Love, though it was an entity of its own, became intertwined into my purpose.

The way that I wanted my partner to love me was intertwined with my purpose in life which was intertwined with the way that I want to show up for my family, and the example I want to set for the women in my life, the way I want to raise my daughter when I have one, the love I want my son to feel as he grows older, which meant that the way I showed up for myself was intertwined there, which means I have to love the work that I do but also have work/life balance, but still be able to impact the world, and it went on and on.

My life was not a room of compartments. My life is me. All of my parts, altogether wrapped up in one. I needed a partner, a family, a living situation, and a career that allowed that to be possible.

When I considered each individual part, and compared it to others, the direction was one and the same. At its core, each compartment told the same story. A story of me.

I’d focused so much on the external output (career, marriage, family) that I’d missed the point. The internal influence, the thing that makes these things happen, and the glue piecing it all together is me.

When I thought about my family and home, I wanted:

To live nearby my immediate family. To share and hold space for the women in my life. I wanted better relationships with the women who helped to raise me. I wanted to help these women to be happier, healthier, more aware, more independent (especially emotionally).

When I thought about my hobbies, I wanted:

To travel regularly. Internationally. To see as many countries and continents as possible before I die. To experience as many cultures as I could. To know as many people (not persons, but cultures) as I could. To be out on the water often, overcoming any associated fears. To take frequent camping trips, skiing trips, and other active, outdoor activities. To share these experiences with my family and friends.

When I thought about the family I want to create, I wanted:

My son to have siblings. I want them to be close. To know the definition of family and community. I wanted them to be not only knowledgeable and intelligent, but wise. I wanted their words and actions to be impactful. I wanted them to be intentional. I wanted them to aim to, and eventually, change the world.

When I thought about how I wanted my home to feel, I wanted:

A quiet, simple, modern decorated home with solar panels and lots of windows. Neighbors aren’t too close if we want to blast the music. Shallow pool in the backyard maybe. A nice outdoor patio with a tv, a fire pit, couch. Somewhere to go and drink tea and look at the stars. A way to keep the bugs away too though. Space for my kids to laugh and enjoy childhood. Space for reflective thinking, emotional processing. Space to read and explore different worlds. Space to decompress and pray.

When I thought about how I wanted to spend my time (my purpose/career/work), I wanted:

• To challenge social constructs
• To be a facilitator, counselor, life coach, leader
• Offer mentorship to black girls and young women
• To use my words to impact lives – fiction or non-fiction

When I thought about how I wanted to feel & experience romantic love, I wanted:

• To be able to talk about my day. To be asked specifically. To be listened to intently. To feel welcomed and comfortable sharing that.
• Gentle, quiet love.
• Quiet days, shared space, comfortable silence.
• Adventure and passion.
• A love that creates a warm home for my children.
• A love that embraced and joined my community.
• Shared experiences, values, and purpose.

When I thought about my values, they were:

• Do no harm. Say no harm. Recycle no harm.
• Be present in today.
• Gentleness, kindness.
• Fluidity & curiosity.
• Continuous Learning.
• Moving from individualism to community.

This exercise allowed me to do something I never had before. I reached in and truly saw myself. I saw the little girl with her dreams and emotions and needs and wants and I gave her love. I gave her the stage to paint a picture and man did she paint. She painted and painted, and it was like lights turned on in parts of my heart and mind that I’d never known even existed.

It allowed me to process:

1. That I had wants and needs that needed to be prioritized.
2. That I am a whole person who needed to be explored.
3. That I had some difficult decisions to make to be who I wanted to be. But ultimately, I was the owner of that destiny.
4. At the root of all of my wants and needs was joy and community. I designed my joy, and I need my people.

My only goal in this life now is joy. I make my decisions around making that joy a reality.

I haven’t looked back since.