Z's Comfort Zone

As a collective, we need to move past this controlled, linear way of thinking about love.

Love is knowing. Love is overcoming. It is awareness and acceptance. It’s complex, but so fulfilling when pure. Here are some things I’ve learned about it.

We heard Lauren London talk one day about moving past our ego to truly experience pure love. Half of us lost our minds while the other half agreed with her.

In romantic love, there are several things that have to be overcome in order to truly experience pure love: fear, ego, ownership thinking, and so much more. What she wasn’t saying is that you should completely stop complimenting, uplifting, and reassuring your partner. What she was saying is that in order for the love to be pure, you need to step back in your interactions to ensure you’re approaching the situation from a place of love and selfless intent.

When conflict arises, we tend to jump into a stance of being defensive, making ourselves the immediate victim. We’ve taken it as a personal slight. “Why are you attacking me with your words right now?” “How could you do this and hurt me in this way?” This is the natural, human response.

Love, pure love, is the ability to step back and try to see the full picture. “What emotion is it that you’re experiencing?” “Let’s talk through this, how have I, or something else, made you feel this way? What can I do differently?” “Here is the perception I have of this incident based on what I know.” “What fact do I not have in this situation that you need to share to help me shift my perspective?”
This is getting past ego. So much easier said than done.

In love, your partner may have needs that need to be met (reasonable, realistic expectations that aren’t causing you undue harm, of course). Whether you are willing or capable of meeting those needs are considerations that must be made. There is no perfect love, but the love that’s worth fighting for, and overcoming, is the one where you’re both mutually able and willing to meet one another’s required needs. If not, regardless of how strongly you feel for one another, there is no healthy partnership that can be formed.

Realizing that you are either incapable of meeting that need, incapable of learning how, or unwilling to (for whatever reason), you then must decide to take a step back, and free the person you love to go and have these needs met elsewhere. We’re not talking infidelity here; remember these are reasonable, realistic expectations that aren’t causing you undue harm. We’re talking about something as small as encouraging your partner to speak to friends more often so that they may receive the kind of nurturing support that you may not be emotionally equipped to provide. Or something as drastic as stepping back to realize that bickering and unhappiness is no way to live for either of you, and choosing to separate.

There is no space for control in love. It is imperfect, it’s non-linear, inconsistent, complex, and cannot be contained. Especially romantic love.

Hold it carefully, hold it with intent. Hold it dearly but hold it selflessly. Give it carefully, give it freely, give it selflessly.