Whenever I talk to my therapist about my thoughts and she wants me to break it down to her (resulting in explaining it to myself and having an aha moment), she tells me to write it down. Make a list.
Now, when I run into complex thought patterns, or emotional swells, I turn them into lists.
I’ve currently run into an emotional swell that needs to be tackled. Not having my emotional needs met while interacting through the phone. I know in our age group, and in this climate, having multiple people calling and texting when you’re interested in them romantically, is the norm. I also know that the intent of these conversations is meant to be light, entertaining, and pass the time, but anyone who knows me knows that I literally cannot.
I can’t be a placeholder, and I don’t like having placeholders. It’s a waste of my time and emotional energy.
I need to be filled with something meaningful, and the interactions must be purposeful. So, if we’re interacting, I have emotional needs that must be met. Because if we’re interacting, that means I feel strongly about you.
If I’m imagining I’m talking to my therapist, it could look something like this:
“My needs aren’t being met right now, but I love him, and I want it to work, without self-abandoning, or self-sacrificing. What do I do?”
“Why do you think you feel the way, what is contributing to that?”
“I don’t know, he seems uninterested, and I’m not sure if it’s all in my head.”
“Okay, what are those needs that haven’t been met? Have you tried to communicate them?”
“I’m not even sure what they are, I just know I feel like I’m giving more than I’m receiving right now.”
“Define them. Make a list, and then communicate them. Identify what is being met, and what isn’t.”
So, I make this list, and then I realize that the needs I had a few years ago, even a few months ago, have changed. As I begin to identify them, it seems that so far, what I want from my next partner is to literally ask questions and take care of me, in the simplest ways. I need my partner to spend time getting to know me, and to hold space for me.
Holding space: The concept of giving someone the space and opportunity to express themselves, vent, process their emotions. Being selfless and showing up to support and respect their physical, emotional, and mental well-being in that moment.
I also realize that I have begun to do these things myself, as I become interested in someone, almost as if I’m setting the tone, and modeling the behaviors that I would like to see reciprocated to me, which I’m sure has some alignment with the thought pattern of me “giving more than I’m receiving”.
When I break these emotional needs down into actions, it looks like:
- Asking questions to show me you’re interested in me, my life, and my well-being (What have you eaten today? How can I help in making sure you don’t forget to eat like you did yesterday? Tell me more about your dad, what’s he like?)
- Asking follow-up questions to show you paid attention. (How did the meeting go? Did your mom make it home safely? How’s your head today, did the headache get better?)
- Nurture me, fill my cup. (Here’s something to buy lunch. Here are 3 reasons why I love you.)
Once I communicate these needs, there are only 2 options for me moving forward:
- He meets those needs, and I am satisfied.
- He doesn’t, I accept that this isn’t the place for me, and I walk away.
Ladies, I encourage all of us to do the same, or we risk overextending ourselves, and pouring into cups that are incapable, or unwilling to reciprocate.
Z's Comfort Zone 