Z's Comfort Zone

I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m a verbal processor (either out loud or on paper). Which is strange because I’ve always thought I was non-verbal since I live in my head.

I’m also a passionately emotional being. I feel things very deeply.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a Virgo, so I’m extremely pragmatic and intentional with almost everything that I do and speak. But, even after careful thought, I’m still most satisfied, and process most effectively, when I am able to voice things out loud also. This means words, a lot of words, leave my body, in multitudes.

I speak these words out loud, or through writing in order to be understood (most of the time I clarify my thoughts through writing first before trying to approach it out loud, especially if it’s a heavier emotion to carry or share).

No matter the situation though, if you’re the receiver, I have to tell you all the things that I feel because I really want you to understand.

I yearn to be understood.

I saw a post once that read “If you don’t get it off your chest, you’ll suffocate”. I get things off my chest.

Which is why it pains me to be misunderstood, or not understood in general. I’m literally telling you! Can’t you hear? Am I not being clear? What can I clarify? How can I say it differently? Louder? A different tone?

I’m also very self-critical, so I struggle with sounding stupid and annoying. So, when I do manage to get past that, and approach the world with courage and vulnerability, it hurts when that vulnerability feels disregarded in small, or large part.

The flip side of this is that I yearn to understand others. When someone speaks to me, I want to absorb it. When you are telling me about something important to you, something that makes you who you are, your thoughts, feelings, ideas, I want to soak it in (my memory sucks and I try my best, but I do try because when I love you, I want to know you). The communication you’re sending to me, I want to process it and provide you with thorough and meaningful feedback, support, or love. I do it with my whole heart and soul, and with that comes WORDS. A lot of them.

(Some people, if they ever make it here to see it, may read that last paragraph and roll their eyes. I said I want to, I try. No one is perfect, though I try for that too, and my current battle with that big bad yellow monster named “Perfectionism” is an entirely different story for *maybe* another post.)

So, again, when I don’t receive feedback, support, or love in a way that feels as engrossed and thorough as what I think I give, it then doesn’t feel as meaningful, believable, or impactful as it should/could be.

Now, what I am also learning is that by doing that, I’m subconsciously setting unfair and unrealistic expectations for others. I’m working on that too. Not everyone will process things the way I do (and a huge reason for a that is also another story for *maybe* another post).

The problem is that I have to try to set realistic expectations without completely forfeiting any expectations, which then allows it to be open season on my emotional well-being by accepting bare minimum or less than I deserve. There has to still be some expectation for how giving and receiving of feedback, support, or love is to be done, in order to achieve real, meaningful, mutual understanding.

I’m just working on finding a healthy balance.

adjective: engrossed

1. having all one’s attention or interest absorbed by someone or something.