Z's Comfort Zone

I had a great conversation recently with someone who reminded me that emotions are a strength. I’ve been sitting on this post for a while, so I’m going to let if fly today.

There’s a sentiment going around right now in popular culture to “control your emotions”. It sounds good in theory, but in practice, what’s actually happening is that people are trying more and more to suppress and ignore their emotions.

Let’s be clear; this message that’s going around is not telling you to “manage your emotions in a healthy way”, it’s telling you to “quiet your emotions”. Our society right now is functioning under the pretense that emotions are an inconvenience.

To reach true maturity, and frankly, to reach true success, you must first master your emotions, honor your emotions, and use them in your favor. This is something my demographic struggles with.

My race, my nation (Jamaica), my generation, my age group, we collectively struggle with this concept of emotional intelligence. I find that in general, we oscillate between being either completely closed off or completely reactionary.

What’s worse is we’ve now polarized this issue so much that it’s hard to be open to the concept of true balance, because depending on who you ask, one approach is inherently bad, and the other is inherently good. Either you are closed off and emotions are bad because you’re in fear of what vulnerability could do to you, or you are reactionary (in a destructive way) while also being incapable of identifying and honoring the emotions that are actually driving your reactions and outbursts.  

I realize that I am not perfect and no one person can truly master emotional intelligence or emotional well-being. I am the furthest away from perfect, though if you ask some people they may say differently. All humility intended of couuuurse. However, through growth and maturity, I have learned to appreciate who I am, honor my emotions, and develop my own way of emotional processing.

At some point in the last few years, it dawned on me that I’ve spent a lot of my life surrounded by people who are on either side of this emotional wall (emotionally withdrawn, or reactionary), which in turn made me pick up on similar behaviors, and made me incapable of processing emotions healthily (I didn’t really know how).

I think what really led me to this realization was my awareness that at work, I’m really great at this balance. I realized it was because in that environment, folks are expected to remain calm and poised. Though, I am in a career that also requires a great deal of emotional expression (empathy primarily). Because of that I can go to work and really bask in my ability to be both emotionally expressive, understanding, empathetic, as well as pragmatic and logical. In order to truly excel in my profession, and at the highest levels of leadership generally, emotional intelligence is required to be successful and effective.

Then I return home, to life within the social constructs of popular culture, and I’m back to the unhealthy patterns of react or withdraw (AKA fight or flight). I react, then I’m told to withdraw. “Control your emotions”. “You’re being a lot right now”. “Relax”. Then when I do withdraw, I start to lose myself. I’m an emotional being. I have to let myself feel things, and express things.

And this is my strength.

I’ve learned to really control and master this strength by learning self-regulation. It’s the little habits and practices that help me to express myself without harming others or overextending myself.

The pause, reflection, introspection, and self-awareness before sharing my thoughts helps me to be more concise, calm, compassionate, and effective in my communication. I think clearly and I see the full picture of the role each person plays in the interaction – the needs, wants, words, intentions, tones, body language, and anything else that may exist here that needs to be recognized and taken into consideration. It’s my quiet superpower.

This is what I want for us all. So many conflicts can be solved through simply communicating effectively and being mindful of all of the factors on the table before reacting; reflecting and recognizing our wrongs and coming back to the table to acknowledge and apologize.

So many hearts would be saved heartache if we were truly able to express our emotions freely and give them the space to breathe out in the open. The freedom of being able to do so in a healthy way is so much more rewarding that hiding within yourself to protect yourself from vulnerability and hurt.