Z's Comfort Zone

I’ve read a lot of books over the last few years. Some great content, great stories, and soul shattering tragedies. What I never tire of, though, are romance novels. They’re my bread and butter. Why? Because I’m obsessed with romantic love (don’t ask me to explain this one though – I’m still unpacking this with my therapist).

But a good romance novel is always something I’m seeking. In fact, if it’s catchy enough, I’ll binge read, ignore the rest of the world, and finish it within 24 hours (Ana Huang fans can relate, right?)

Here’s what I’ve discovered though – these (mostly woman) authors, who write these books that I can’t put down, have done me a disservice. The content I’m consuming, whether through literature or television, has largely warped my view on romantic love. Not because the love they’re describing is impossible to attain in our non-fictional world, but because…. Here’s the kicker, are you ready?

It’s nearly impossible for non-fictional men to live up to the standards that our book boyfriends have set.

Rhysand, Alex Volkov, Oliver Masters (Ollieeee), Hardin Scott (who may be the closest to realistic), and so much more. What do they have in common? They eventually acknowledged and leaned into their emotional depth and capacity. They allowed the women around them to flourish. They challenged them to be even more badass than they already were. They worshipped these women. They championed them and supported them in equal balance. They expressed this care and attention and love all the time, directly or indirectly. They paid attention to the details. They ached for these women in their absence, and we saw the depth of their love spilled through the pages.

This love is not impossible to attain because it doesn’t exist. It’s seemingly impossible because it’s hard to find, and when you do find it, it’s hard to keep. For several reasons, including, but not limited to:

1. You meet a man who you know is capable of this depth, and you invest in his potential, but you don’t realize that you aren’t the main character of the story; you’re a side character or a past character. In the stories, they don’t show you the before, when he was unable to be this man. In fact, he may have been the opposite of this incredibly caring, passionate, and emotionally expressive man. It was not all sunshine and rainbows for the women who came before; the women who weren’t “the one”. The ones who were side characters or characters of the past, and what impact he had on them. I think 50 Shades did a good job of this; my heart aches for Leila.
2. Even when you’re the one, in our non-fictional world, we don’t get to crawl into his mind and read the book from his perspective, so we have to rely on his verbal expressions, and 99.9% of the time, he can’t express it the same way Ollie does. He simply cannot. So you’re stuck trying to piece it together yourself, wonder how he feels, pry it out of him, or give it up, because “if he really loved me, he wouldn’t be able to contain himself!” (Or so we’ve been misled to think).
3. There’s a fine line between the sexy, protective vibe, and the creepy, possessive, patriarchal-ownership vibe. Too often, women search for the man with that sex appeal, and the “you belong to me, and I’ll do everything to protect you” attitude, but instead end up in a controlling and/or abusive situation. Please remember, you should never feel like he is isolating you from other loved ones, nor should you feel like he is your jailor. A man should always want the best for you, he should want to be in your presence, and he should want to ensure you’re safe and covered, but he should also give you your space, respect and honor your boundaries, and encourage relationships with others. You will know when your happiness is his top priority.
4. These stories tell the tale of women who often acquiesce to the whims of men, all the while maintaining the guise that she is independent and successful in her own right. And because she is not explicitly dependent on him, we miss the way she is slowly betraying herself and her boundaries to remain with him. The codependency of “the spark” he ignites in her when he is around is not something that translates well into the non-fiction world.

So, at the end of the day, real life love just doesn’t hit the same as book love. That is quite disappointing for me, as you can imagine. I will continue to read them. Though, I implore young, impressionable women to ensure they are separating real life from works of fiction.